Wednesday, November 19, 2014 ; 10:42 PM♥
Everyone struggles in their life. Nobody will fully understand someone else's struggle. We only know the storyline to our lives.
I don't remember struggling much as a child because most things were carefree. I liked going to school. I however, remember struggling with making friends and often felt embarrassed, though I don't remember most reasons why. I probably also struggled having to attend classes after school. I didn't like piano lessons or swimming lessons. I only enjoyed dancing and art. I didn't get to play at playgrounds much, but I spent most times in the arcade and watching wrestling with my brother and my parents' friends' children. I love my little brother so much, I think just playing around with him anywhere we went, doing boy stuff, dressing up, taking videos, doing sing-alongs with the cousins, teasing him, made me happy enough. Oh but I did have a cousin who constantly belittled me and found it thrilling to pinch me behind my parents' back. I never told them about this till maybe a year back? But I still couldn't say I had a bad childhood. T'was all carefree.
Primary school was okay. Out of all secondary schools, I got into the 1 school I told myself I would never get into. I had a friend there, but she ditched me on Day 1. Lol. And so I had to start from scratch. Making friends, trying not to be alone, etc. My mum was having a tough time that year because of invisible stuff so I got a little scared of the reality of life. I don't know what happened at Secondary 3 but my partner & I got inspired to study harder. I was told to pinch her every time she dozes off and she always dozed off so it was fun. We'd explain things to each other and gossip about the Geography teacher with the big boobies. And after school, I'd look forward to dance practices. And cute boys, haha. And at night, I'd talk to my bestfriends. It was a little struggle juggling CCA, exams & my parents (teenagers -.- always thinking parents don't love them), but that was just the beginning.
I had just gone out of a bad relationship while beginning my diploma. I could barely focus. Group projects were not done well and I found it tough to find time for myself to complete assignments. What made me happy then was really dancing. It took up my energy almost daily but it certainly made me happy. And also because I had someone to vent my emotions to on a daily basis, until I had to shower and struggle with schoolwork again till morning.
Just when I thought my study journey was over, I was torn between following my dreams and continuing for a degree so I chose both. I took the fastest route, 1.5 years for a degree, just so I could get it over and done with, and then I auditioned for a 2 year dance course and interviewed for a part time job to pay for the partial scholarship. I was overloaded with commitments and to my nightmare, I had to repeat a year of school. Late nights, tired body, and too much insecurities at that time. I thought it was the worse 2.5 years of struggle for me. But I fell so in love too. I couldn't complain.
And then I started working and I really love my job as a receptionist. Responsibilities towards myself, my parents, my grandparents & my brother grew. Bills had to be paid, food had to be earned. I stopped dancing to give time for myself to breathe. Had more time to take care & spend time with the family. Life was good bcs ups & downs felt so normal. But I didn't allow myself to relax for too long because it is said that those who fail to plan, fails. And so we took our time to make plans and we were striving towards it. I was always careful with myself, making sure I was certain with life decisions.
As we cruise through the days, more struggles came up as we entered a new phase in life. We understood that the values of love, emotions and religion will be strengthened along the way, probably until we reach 80. Everything was normal, expected and on track. A year later, leaving the role that allowed me to breathe, I went in search for a better opportunity to support my future. The struggle began again when I took 9 months to finally meet that opportunity. I did nothing but worry so I felt relieved, like I could finally, finally offer more help. My girls & I also opened an instagram shop which we hope can support us better.
Caught off guard a number of days later, to my despair, all the struggles, the space, the support & the love I had given went down the drain. And so, I had to begin a new career chapter alone, heartbroken. And out of all the struggles I had faced in my life, this is the biggest, the most unwanted.
They say struggle early and have ease later. I've struggled, and I continue struggling. I had my dream crushed. My trust had been broken by the closest. But I continue...
All our lives are filled with struggles. We never compare because how would we know the storyline and the real struggle of others?
A lady who sacrifices herself with cancer just to give birth to a beautiful child. The father who rejects treatment to pay for his children's life. The mother who cries for her child's safety. The child who yearns for 2 parents to be alive. A grandfather who fights for his family's life in a third world country. Who are we to count our struggles?
Because this is life, and struggling is a daily task to overcome.
It is what prepares us for One Day.
